WELCOME TO BULGARIA!

WELCOME TO BULGARIA!

Thu, 04/30/2009 - 21:16

Location

Bulgaria is a relatively small country known as an external border of the EU that is under the heavy influence of Russia and Turkey.

Population

Large part of the population consists of present immigrants, future emigrants and capital citizens of country origin.

Politics

At present, the country is governed by a Russian, a Spaniard and a Turk. They take turns to rule the country every four years and after such a cycle they do so all together.

Voters are imported mainly from abroad. They are taken in bus or truckloads to the very ballot boxes.

Each voter gives no more than two votes for one party, but in different constituencies.

Economy

The population of this country is known for spending more than they have. There is no inflation, price rises or economic crises; hence, there are no salaries and pensioners get pensions the size of a student's stipend.

If you happen to be asked to issue an invoice, you will have to go to the Iliyantsi Market in Sofia.

In Bulgaria, money is here to be laundered, taxes are to be evaded and VAT is to be embezzled.

Healthcare

Doctors provide a comprehensive range of services, which is particularly convenient for patients: from a medical examination through an extended treatment to cremation. The more expensive the treatment, the longer it takes to get it.

Sign a contract with your doctor for a fixed amount, because it will start to grow during the treatment. Doctors have a lot of patients and can't remember all individual oral agreements.

If you end up in hospital, keep it in mind that nurses drink coffee and doctors take good whisky. Do bring aplenty.

Food Industry

Bulgaria is known as the country of yoghurt. It is made from the finest starch. Bread is made from rising agents alone and frankfurters from soft toilet paper. Sausages are rich in calcium due to their high horn, hoof and bone content.

If the food is well kept, it may preserve its quality for years.

It is returned to the producer if it is unsold, and its expiry date is then moved ahead.

Education

You can buy a perfectly good diploma at a reasonable price, but if you still decide to take a course, it will cost you a lot more.

Graduation is a lengthy and complex process. Illustrious professors, associate professors and their assistants will let you sail through in exchange for sex, alcohol, gifts or cash. Cramming is no good, but you have to have textbooks. They are published by the lecturers themselves. You'd better buy them from them to save the bookshop cut.

If you are career-minded, upon graduation you must start a job in an area completely at variance with your degree.

Legal system

The legal system functions perfectly in this country. Cases are in litigation for years, but when you amass a number of offences you are likely to receive a suspended sentence.

To go to prison, you have to meet certain requirements, produce serious political recommendations and have extreme patience. It doesn't happen from the first time.

Culture

Porn industry, known as "pop folk" or "chalga," is very well developed and always goes with the same kind of music. Pop folk is the soft porn and chalga is the hard variety. The only difference is in the lyrics of the playback.

Some advice for visitors

In Bulgaria, taxis cost about 0.30 euros per kilometre, but you may have to pay about 60 euros for 10 kilometres, especially if you are hiring a taxi from an airport or a train station and you don't speak Bulgarian.

You should know that when withdrawing money from a cash dispenser, there are paparazzi lurking around.

When driving, act with care and give way to the racers around you.

When stopped by traffic police on the road, you can reply their "What shall we do now?" question with a 5- or 10-euro note. They will give you change if you don't have small notes.

Issue 31

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